Friday, October 8, 2010
Back to my blog.
It's been almost a month since my husband deployed. The pain of all of this is excruciating. I mean just a month of not seeing him would of been pretty bad, but not seeing him for more than 2 weeks total since April is just awful. Yes, it was mostly my choice to stay here instead of moving before he left. To be honest I still stand by that decision as much as I hate it. It was the right choice for the girls and I. The girls are doing good. They miss him. Talk about him quite a bit. Of course I have pictures plastered all over my living room of him. Even though everyone says I'm so strong, today was one of those really bad days for me. It seemed like everything of his I found while I was rearranging rooms made me cry. Came across the shoe box that contained all the letters and cards I sent to him while he was at basic. 110 days of hell right there of him being gone. Then to make matter worse I came across a couple of the t-shirts he always liked to wear when he was home. Then to top it all off I was dumb enough to read through some of the texts I have saved from him over the 2 years we've been together. My heart just ached so much today. I think it hit hard today because it was a special day. My oldest had her first pictures done at school and he missed it. Just hurt to know all the stuff he was missing while being gone. Like 3 days ago he had missed his little girls first birthday. Then our anniversary is in 16 days. It's just too much all at once this month. A couple days ago I freaked on him over something completely stupid and totally out of his control. He was completely calm through the entire conversation after he left to go get sleep I bawled my eyes out for being a complete (to put it nicely) witch. Of course the next time we talked I apologized like 30 times. He tells me he knew there'd be days that we both freaked and said things we didn't mean. Even though we are both in bad situations and hating this it was uncalled for for what I did. Stress is one thing but taking it out on him is not right. Some days I feel completely and utterly alone even though I know I have my army girlfriends behind me every step of this journey. There's just the huge void in my life and no matter how many people I put in my life it's still just a big empty void... And Christmas.. Geez I dont know what I'm going to do. I've been back and forth about whether to go to my parents and Aunts like we traditionally do but I don't know if my heart can take it.. The questions, the "I'm so sorry looks", the hugs.... or whether just to stay home and celebrate it with just the girls and I. Anymore I just try to keep a smile on my face and hold it all in.
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Misty, I wish I could have been there in person. One thing that I have found helps in situations like this (for me it was the first Christmas without the entire family together), is to do something completely different. so that it doesn't feel like someone is missing quite so bad. Take cookies to an old folks home. Sing Christmas carols to them. Feed the homeless. Something so out of the norm. Don't know if it's possible or not. I will continue to pray for you and David. By the way, he sounds pretty wise.
ReplyDeleteHey love, I know your heart has been aching and I pray for you all the time, for you, your girls and for David of course.
ReplyDeleteAs much as you may not think that doing routine things help, sometimes they can. Dont spend your Christmas alone - I know you wont be alone, but at the end of the day, regardless, its just a matter of time before you need a moment to yourself to have a good cry.
Its healthy, its good to let it out, and being in an environment where family is there, not even for you, but perhaps to keep the girls occupied so you can have some you time to just, miss your husband and reflect on years to come and memories that are taking place you will want to share with him later, that in itself is a blessing.
Against everything in myself, I spent Mothers Day with my husbands family while he was away, and as tender as those first few weeks were, having everyone dote on the boys and give me a chance even to go to the bathroom alone gave me a moment to just let myself step away from being strong for 2 minutes and have a good cry.
I never would have known how good that felt, had I decided to avoid it all together.
Hang in there darling, you know you have an army of support behind you in any situation!
Much love! <3