Back to my blog.

It's been almost a month since my husband deployed. The pain of all of this is excruciating. I mean just a month of not seeing him would of been pretty bad, but not seeing him for more than 2 weeks total since April is just awful. Yes, it was mostly my choice to stay here instead of moving before he left. To be honest I still stand by that decision as much as I hate it. It was the right choice for the girls and I. The girls are doing good. They miss him. Talk about him quite a bit. Of course I have pictures plastered all over my living room of him. Even though everyone says I'm so strong, today was one of those really bad days for me. It seemed like everything of his I found while I was rearranging rooms made me cry. Came across the shoe box that contained all the letters and cards I sent to him while he was at basic. 110 days of hell right there of him being gone. Then to make matter worse I came across a couple of the t-shirts he always liked to wear when he was home. Then to top it all off I was dumb enough to read through some of the texts I have saved from him over the 2 years we've been together. My heart just ached so much today. I think it hit hard today because it was a special day. My oldest had her first pictures done at school and he missed it. Just hurt to know all the stuff he was missing while being gone. Like 3 days ago he had missed his little girls first birthday. Then our anniversary is in 16 days. It's just too much all at once this month. A couple days ago I freaked on him over something completely stupid and totally out of his control. He was completely calm through the entire conversation after he left to go get sleep I bawled my eyes out for being a complete (to put it nicely) witch. Of course the next time we talked I apologized like 30 times. He tells me he knew there'd be days that we both freaked and said things we didn't mean. Even though we are both in bad situations and hating this it was uncalled for for what I did. Stress is one thing but taking it out on him is not right. Some days I feel completely and utterly alone even though I know I have my army girlfriends behind me every step of this journey. There's just the huge void in my life and no matter how many people I put in my life it's still just a big empty void... And Christmas.. Geez I dont know what I'm going to do. I've been back and forth about whether to go to my parents and Aunts like we traditionally do but I don't know if my heart can take it.. The questions, the "I'm so sorry looks", the hugs.... or whether just to stay home and celebrate it with just the girls and I. Anymore I just try to keep a smile on my face and hold it all in.