As I near the ending of my husband's first deployment tragedy hits. He lost one of his very close friends, a guy he refers to as his brother. I was given a red alert call informing me of the loss in his platoon. Then went on to tell me my soldier was ok. After I hung up I cried my eyes out. To get a call and have them say Mrs. Dunham this is a red alert call there was a KIA. My heart utterly stopped and I felt my world crashing around me. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Then today when I was finally able to talk to him again he was so drawn into himself. That's not my husband. Then when I finally got him to open up he ranged from so many emotion. Anger, hate, pain, suffering. He is so messed up over this. As he talked to me my heart just repeatedly broke. Telling me how he kept asking himself why he couldn't of taken the guys place... Also told me the password to his labtop that there was a letter on it in case something happened to him. This all hit me so hard. It was stuff I never in a million years wanted to hear. Even worse than the talk about his will before he deployed. This of course isn't the first loss of a good friend for him over this. I believe because the guy was so close to being done and just recently had a little boy weighed heavily on my husband. I know going in to this line of work that tragedies would happen. Hearts would break, families would be ripped apart. and lives would never be the same. I guess deep down I pushed all that aside because I was afraid to think that there was a chance it would be my life that changed. In the end though this kind of work changes everyones lives involved.

Update

So it's been awhile since I wrote on here. I am now almost 5 months into the deployment. In total of him being gone is going on 10 months. Out of that 10 months I've seen him a total of just under 4 weeks. Everday finding the strength to get out of bed is as hard as it was the first day he left. I have run into plenty of problems in that time and it has tripped me up more than I can handle sometimes. I ran into problems with my fanbelt breaking on my car. Soon after my battery went because of the damage the fanbelt did. I have dealt with the flu in 2 out of 3 of my girls while having it myself. I have went through my first christmas alone since David and I have been together. I have been and still am going through sleep deprivation and stress induced lack of appetite. A teething toddler and 2 siblings who fight over everything. All this and I have no fallen flat on myself yet. Biggest miracle......

My husband come home for his R & R for 2 weeks. We did an early Christmas for our girls. I was taken out to Olive Garden for the first time ever. Long long drive, cold and snowy yet I still rocked out a skirt and stilletto heels. We had so much fun and I made sure to take plenty of pictures. The girls couldn't of been happier. I held my tears when I first seen him and through the entire two weeks until he was saying goodbye. I broke like a rock to a pain of glass. All those weeks of being alone and worrying about whether he is safe or not just came rushing at me. I was not ready to give him back yet I knew that I couldn't keep him. I tried so hard to be strong but sometimes the tears wash away the dirt that blocking your vision. I know he is doing this to make the world a better place and to give the girls a better life yet I stil can't help but be broken.

Christmas came within just over a week of him leaving. I was dreading having to go through the motions of pretending that I was happy the holidays were here. I spent Christmas eve at my parents house. The girls were giddy with joy to open more presents, eat and hang out with their Aunt (my 4 year old sister) Christmas Day we went to my Aunt's house. Again the girls got to play with other kids in the family and open more presents. They were having just the greastest time. I had to leave the room and ended up breaking down crying at the front door. It just got the best of me... I knew it was killing David not to be there to see them be able to enjoy their holiday. When he left to go back you could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice.

He tells me that I do great at holding down the household. That if he was in my situation he would never be able to do it but he doesn't see how often I teeter on that breaking point. Now that the new year has hit I will be working on moving down to Kentucky by the end of Autumn's school year. That adds a whole new level of stress to my life. I have never been outside of the New York and Pennsylvania states. At least not without a family member with me basically holding my hand because I was just a kid going on vaction. But to pick up and move from the only area I've ever known with 3 kids. It is by far the scariest thing Im going to have to do this year. Hopefully all goes according and I have some hair left by time it's over. I've only been driving about 2 1/2 years. Only drove on one interstate and never used a map before. Look out Kentucky is all I can say lol.

Back to my blog.

It's been almost a month since my husband deployed. The pain of all of this is excruciating. I mean just a month of not seeing him would of been pretty bad, but not seeing him for more than 2 weeks total since April is just awful. Yes, it was mostly my choice to stay here instead of moving before he left. To be honest I still stand by that decision as much as I hate it. It was the right choice for the girls and I. The girls are doing good. They miss him. Talk about him quite a bit. Of course I have pictures plastered all over my living room of him. Even though everyone says I'm so strong, today was one of those really bad days for me. It seemed like everything of his I found while I was rearranging rooms made me cry. Came across the shoe box that contained all the letters and cards I sent to him while he was at basic. 110 days of hell right there of him being gone. Then to make matter worse I came across a couple of the t-shirts he always liked to wear when he was home. Then to top it all off I was dumb enough to read through some of the texts I have saved from him over the 2 years we've been together. My heart just ached so much today. I think it hit hard today because it was a special day. My oldest had her first pictures done at school and he missed it. Just hurt to know all the stuff he was missing while being gone. Like 3 days ago he had missed his little girls first birthday. Then our anniversary is in 16 days. It's just too much all at once this month. A couple days ago I freaked on him over something completely stupid and totally out of his control. He was completely calm through the entire conversation after he left to go get sleep I bawled my eyes out for being a complete (to put it nicely) witch. Of course the next time we talked I apologized like 30 times. He tells me he knew there'd be days that we both freaked and said things we didn't mean. Even though we are both in bad situations and hating this it was uncalled for for what I did. Stress is one thing but taking it out on him is not right. Some days I feel completely and utterly alone even though I know I have my army girlfriends behind me every step of this journey. There's just the huge void in my life and no matter how many people I put in my life it's still just a big empty void... And Christmas.. Geez I dont know what I'm going to do. I've been back and forth about whether to go to my parents and Aunts like we traditionally do but I don't know if my heart can take it.. The questions, the "I'm so sorry looks", the hugs.... or whether just to stay home and celebrate it with just the girls and I. Anymore I just try to keep a smile on my face and hold it all in.

August 17th

Ok first let me warn this one is going to be short posting just till later tonight. But it's questions that have been nagging me and I have to get it out. What is a year going to do to David's and my relationship? Is it going to be changed? Is he going to care less than he did before he left? Is he going to need us anymore? Is he going to change his personality? Is it going to mess him up? Will he still be the best friend of mine that he was before he was taking away to overseas? Does he have enough training for this? Can he handle this? Are the girls going to remember him? Are they going to hug him and kiss him like they did? Are they going to resent him for going away? Will he come back at all? ... Ugh. this and so many more questions are what keep me up til 3am each night. He wants me to talk to him about the things that run through my head but how do you tell someone this stuff? How do you even bring it up? I mean it's not like I can say "so how's the weather there? " ooh yeah and by the way what if you are never the same person when you come back? Not exactly a subtle way.. I have been through a hell of alot but never in all that i've been through has my heart ached like this.. God probably has heard a million to a million and a half of prayers from me just in the last few days...

August 15th

Today I went to church. Didn't go last week because of it being David's last day home. So many people asking me when I was moving to Kentucky and if David was still home. Of course I broke down in tears everytime. I do decent keeping the tears in till I walk through that church. It's like someone breaking down the walls of my dam. No matter how hard I try it still happens. I was told before while David was in training that it was because the church is a place of healing. It seems though when I cry I feel worse. I feel like I'm not what I need to be in order to wear the title Army wife. I mean he's going through way harder stuff than I am yet I don't hear about him crying.  He always tells me he's proud of me for all I have done but I feel like a fraud. I've done nothing compared to the stuff he's been through and will go through. I don't just feel he deserves someone stronger than me.

So I have mentioned before that I have 3 girls. I have a 4 1/2 year old. A 3 year old and a 10 month old. All girls. Well my middle girl Savannah has started worrying me awful bad. She runs up and hugs everyone especially guys. We were walking down the street to the store one day when some gentlemen was walking the opposite was of us and she runs up to him and hugs him. I'm worried not only for her safety but I'm worried she's looking for a male relationship. She's my little tom boy. She likes to get down in the dirt and wrestle. And boy can that girl throw a wallup. I don't know how to make this easier on her. It scares me that this is going to mess her up emotionally. I haven't told David cause I know this would completely break his heart. Esepcially after the week that had together when he came home. She wouldn't let him out of her sight and always wanted him to hold her hand or pick her up. If she's taking the 4 months so hard how is she going to take him being gone a year for deployment.

My older daughter as I have mentioned is starting her first year of school. Not sure if I'm ready for that yet. I hate that David's going to miss her first year. Along with our first anniversary and possibly our second one as well. Then there's christmas... That has got to be my favorite holiday. The christmas carols, the family dinner, seeing the faces of my girls in the morning, the church christmas program, watching all the kids around the neighborhood playing in the snow, christmas cartoons and movies. And the wrapping of presents. I loved sitting on the floor wrapping paper, tape, sissors and toys scattered all around us. Talking about how the girls will react when they open their presents the next day. This year I do that by myself. Definetly not looking forward to it.

Awful phone call.

Ok so I have a new piece of lyric stuck in my head

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay

Today he finally called instead of just texting.  He decided it was time to talk to me about if he gets hurt what hospital he will be going to. Also that he made sure that I would be notified about him being there. He also informed me that before he goes over he will have a lawyer write up a will then preceeded to tell me what would be said in the will. THEN came the part about if he ever becomes a vegetable I was to pull the plug. Ummm Heart wrench moment....  So now you know the image of my best friend in a hospital bed and having to pull his plug is STUCK in my head! Hello Long night looks like we will be spending some time together again.

Not ready...

So today It started out decent. I took my girls school shopping for my oldest. Which was incredibly fun especially since it's her first year. Cleaned some of my house and spent some time texting David. Thought it was looking up. That is till he tells me that he spoke to an E6 down there who stated that they were looking at deloying at the end of September. REALLY?!?! I mean come on now. As if I didn't already think 2-4 months was quick enough now I'm being told less than 2 months. Can someone come help me pull my heart out of my throat because I think I'm temporarily paralyzed.  I can tell you all this much. I know I have a heart and I know it works cause it was pounding like crazy. Well I guess that makes up my mind about whether I should move down there or not yet. So there's a question answered. Now if only I could find answers to the other 900 floating around in my head. Plus there's always worst case scenarios playing in my head. The main one being what would happen if he didn't come back from over there. I know it's a terrible thought and should be stricken from my mind. I know I shouldn't think like that but it absolutely makes me a wreck. To permanently raise three kids on my own. I am not that strong. During his training I was having a hard time cause I couldn't sleep and didn't eat like I should of. What's a deployment going to do to me? Then there's the girls. Not a day goes by that the two older ones don't ask about him and when he's coming home. They miss him alot and it's breaking my heart that I can't produce him out of thin air.  And I still have so much to get done before he goes over. Like the power of attorney. Don't even know where to begin with that. Nothing is ever cut and dry. I'm learning this more and more everyday.

Today I've had part of a chorus to a song running through my head
"I'm an emotional girl
I can't help myself
Sometimes I laugh
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I do both and I don't know why
I got a Passionate heart
And that's just the way things are"

That describes me to a "T"

 I do have a touch of good news though. I've been holding on to it for over a week now. LOL that's impressive for me I hate holding good news. I didn't want to jinx it til it was all over., but my ex husband has agreed to give up his parental rights on my two oldest girls. I have to take care of the lawyer and the paperwork but it has to stay out of court. Then we'll get it notorized and we will start the process of David adopting the girls. So three cheers there!!  For now I think I will end on that thought. I will probably be writing again before the night is over. Last night I was up till almost 3am. It seems to be a pattern for me. Sorry this bounces around so much. Next post I'll try and straighten the thoughts out better.